Trouble overcoming my eating disorders?

im 15, and ill be a sophmore, i devoloped anerexia in the 8th grade and become rlly ill, but with the help of my family i recovered and begain to look alot healthier over time becuase my mom made me take vitamins and eat foods with lots of protien, the problem is-i didnt want to recover. i got so very skinny that i looked like a skelaton yet i wanted to stay that size or get smaller. so i got rlly skinny from not eating at all or lying about eating again, but once i started 9th grade i gained alot of wieght over the christmas holiday from all the holiday treats we had lying around. so i told myself i would loose the wieght. i was 90 lbs, then become 130. i tried so hard to loose wieght, even tho my mom was always watching me eat and making sure i did cause she always worries about me becomig ill again. i cant get out of that mindset that if you arent stick thin u arent beatiful. its like a demon on my shoulder i cant shake off. so about a month ago, i devoloped bulimia nervosa. i had never actually purged after eating cuz b4 i just hardly ate. i had trouble getting myself to throw up at first, and it took multiple tries to get used to it. at first i did it with a toothbrush,sticking it down my throat, then i tried my fingers, i used 2 fingers which worked better then the toothbrush. i threw up alot after i ate alot of food. but thats the problem, when i first started, id eat large amounts THEN purge. now tho im afraid to eat anything in fear i will become a hippo. i just dont eat, and when i eat small amounts i throw it all up. i drink tons of green tea to keep me from eating too. i drink it hot because my thoat burns after purging. i feel so weak now, not eat+puking up food is difficult, but im afraid im becoming OCD about it. i cant tell my mother or family, i know how much it will hurt them cuz they always worry about me. my eating dissorders devoloped right after my father ped away from a long battle with cancer, and i guess thats how i coped. my mom has threatened to send me to therapybut never rlly has. but the thing is i feel liek ill never escape this. ive had an eating dissorder for so long i cant see how i wont always be temped to purge after eating even if i were to recover. none of my friends know, but even when i hang out with them even at thier houses, ill throw up after we eat. tonight my family went to a restraunt. they have these ery bread rolls they give u b4 u eat, which have always been my fav, i can even eat 3 or 4, but 2night i didnt eat a single one, i was simply afraid to. then i just ordered a ceaser salad, and my mom said i should also get potatoe soup, so i did. but when i got my food which looked so well made and yummy, i just picked out teh crutons out of the salad and ate a few bites of it then i made it apear as if i had eaten more.then i took a few bites of the soup but i said i didnt like it when rlly i loved it, and gave it to my sister instead. thats all i ate 2day along with a low-cal sugarfree redbull and 2 coke zeros. just now i thrw up the little bit of the salad i ate, and my throat burns. im sorry this is so long, but im at my wits evnd of my eating disorders. it hell.